The Knights Who Say Ni!

Head Knight: NI! [knights keep saying ni]
Arthur: Who are you?
Head Knight: We are the Knights Who Say Ni!
Arthur: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
Head Knight: The same!
Bedevere: Who are they?
Head Knight: We are the keepers of the sacred words, NI! PING! And NEEEWOM!
Arthur: Those who hear them, seldom live to tell the tale!
Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni... demand... a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods -
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! [cont.]
King Arthur: Oh, ow! [cont.]
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you... if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want... A SHRUBBERY!!! [dramatic chord]
Arthur: A what?!
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! [cont.]
Arthur: Please no more! We will find you a shrubbery!
Head Knight: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will not pass through this wood...alive.
Arthur: Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
Head Knight: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Yes.
Head Knight: And not too expensive!
Arthur: Of course!
Head Knight: Now! GO!
King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord]
Old Crone: Who sent you?
King Arthur: The Knights Who Say Ni.
Old Crone: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
King Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say...we will say...'ni'.
Old Crone: Agh! Do your worst!
King Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily...ni!
Old Crone: No! Never! No shrubberies!
King Arthur: Ni!
Sir Bedevere: Noo! Noo!
King Arthur: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'ni'.
Sir Bedevere: Noo!
King Arthur: No, no -- 'ni'. You're not doing it properly.
Sir Bedevere: Noo! Ni!
King Arthur: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
King Arthur and Sir Bedevere: Ni! Ni!
Roger the Shrubber: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Erm... yes.
Roger the Shrubber: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say "shrubberies"?
Roger the Shrubber: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. [slight pause]
Sir Bedevere: Ni!
King Arthur: [stops him] No! No, no, no! No!

King Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Head Knight: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
King Arthur: What is that?
Head Knight: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
Random Knights: Ni!
Head Knight: [to Random Knights] Shh shh. [to Arthur] We are now the Knights Who Say... Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing...[fades into mumbling].
Random Knight: Ni!
Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.
King Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of — Knights Who 'Till Recently Said Ni?
Head Knight: Firstly, you must find... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! [dramatic chord]
King Arthur: Not another shrubbery!
Head Knight: Then! When you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
Knights of Ni: A path! A path! Ni ni ni! [the Knights try shushing themselves]
Head Knight: Then! When you have found the shrubbery... you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WIIIIITH... A HERRING!!! [dramatic chord]
Knights of Ni: A herring! A herring!
Arthur: We shall do no such thing!
Head Knight: Oh please.
Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
[the Knights cover their ears and scream]
Head Knight: Don't say that word!
Arthur: Don't say what word?
Head Knight: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words, the Knights of Ni cannot hear!
Arthur: Well how can we not say the word if you can't tell us what it is?
[the Knights cover their ears again]
Head Knight: He said the word again!
Arthur: What, "is?"
Head Knight: No no, one would not go far in life, not say "is."
Knights of Ni: No, not is.
Arthur: Then what?
Bedevere: My leige, it's Sir Robin!
[Sir Robin is walking towards them, his minstrels playing music behind him]
Minstrel: ...He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge-
Arthur: Sir Robin!
Robin: My liege! It's good to see you!
Head Knight: Now he said the word! [the Knights of Ni are cowering]
Arthur: Surely you've not given up your quest to seek the Holy Grail?
Minstrel: He is sneaking away, and buggering off-
Robin: Shut up! [to Arthur] No, far from it.
Head Knight: He said the word again!
Robin: I was...lookin for it...
Head Knight: Ahhh!
Robin: Uh..here in this forest.
Arthur: No, we are far from it.
[the Knights are still cowering]
Head Knight: Stop saying the word!
Arthur: [really annoyed] OH STOP IT!!!!
[the Knights of Ni cower even more]
Head Knight: He said it!
Arthur: Patsy! [they ride off]
Head Knight: [realizing] Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
Knights of Ni: Ohhhhhhhh...